It's been 6 years

I was visiting my mom today and we were sitting on her back porch while I was putting together a robin hood tree fort out of legos for my boys and my mom asked me if I remembered Madaylnn's birthday and if we did anything.  I had to stop in my tracks and remember, oh ya, it has been 6 years.  I hope you are not reading this and think I am a horrible mother for not remembering my first child's birthday. Of course I remembered! Really I didn't.  It didn't even phase me because we were gone on vacation and I wasn't even near a calender nor a watch to know that I had passed it up.
Yes, I remember. I remember like it was yesterday.  But I can look back on it now with a smile on my face.  There is no more pain. No more sadness.  Nor more grieving.  Maybe I am a horrible mother for saying that. Maybe I am not.  Whose to say!
For those of you reading who have no idea of what I am taking about, I am talking about our first baby who was born with many complications and passed away the day she was born. Let's rewind.......
6 years ago Lance and I were so excited to be expecting our first child.  We were both anxious and nervous but mostly thrilled with having a child.  I was sicker than sick. I remember that. I remember not wanting to cook, clean or do anything because I felt so bad.  Lance came home many nights to a very simple dinner because I couldn't stomach it.  Every time Lance took me out to a nice place to eat and forking about a hefty bill, it would always end up in the toliet or in a bush afterwards.
Our 5 month ultrasound arrived. It was on a Tuesday afternoon and Lance met me at the doctor's office.  We were going to find out what we were having.  We both sat there as the ultrasound tech looked at our baby.  She was silent mostly through the whole thing not really telling us a lot.  I remember thinking that she was rude and inconsiderate for not filling us in on what she was seeing.  Finally we started to ask some questions and she asked us that she wanted to doctor to take a look first.  I didn't know what to think because I had never had one done and thought this was how they all went.  Doctor Huisch came into the room scanned around the baby for quite some time not saying a whole lot and then he asked us "Well I have some good news and some bad news! What do you want to hear first?" We of course said "the good news!' He told us " well the good news is, it's a girl! And the bad news is, there are a lot of unexplained things there were seeing in the ultrasound." He went on to explain that she had a double cleft lip and palate, multiple bubbles in her stomach and no movements of her hands opening or closing.  Usually when a girl is born with a double cleft lip and palate there in an underlying cause for it.  Whereas in boys, there isn't much concern about anything else. Don't ask me why, I never learned why that is.
I remember laying there on the table looking over at Lance who had tears in his eyes and feeling just devastated.  How could this be?  Everything is suppose to be happpy and congratulating but we had none of that.  The doctor told us that he would have to hand us over to a High Rish specialist who was specialized with things like this.
I remember feeling mad! Confused! SAD!!!! The ladies at the front desk handed me a bag full of information about babies, a big binder full of misc. information about random things and said, not knowing what just happened, "It says your having a girl!' "Must be so exciting for you!" Ya  pretty exciting given the fact that the doctor just told us that there were multiple things wrong with our baby.
Afterwards Lance and I left each other in the parking lot. Lance had to go back to work and I went back to my in-laws where were were living until our You
Well the Lord works in mysterious ways.  We had ultrasound after ultrasound done.  I loved the fact that I got to see our baby every other day seems like it on monitor. She was beautiful to me.
Well the Dr.'s decided to do a more indepth study of her chromosomes and come to find out there was a very tiny microscopic mutation on her 4th chromosome.  It was hard to find but they found the reasoning behind some of the things that were happening and more answers started to come.  Dr. Johnson put it this way that helped us understand he said "Imagine going to a library that is completely stocked with books.  Books that hold valuable information.  All of those books has something important to tell you.  You know allt he books are there on the shelves and that none are missing.  But say you went and checked out a book and the pages on the inside were missing. It would be easy to look at the shelves and know that you have all your books there, but when you open a book to see the important stuff missing, well then it makes all the difference in the world." Does that make sense? It did to us anyways.
Well time went on and we were doing ok.  My sister Rachel came to live in Mesa with us for awhile.  She needed to get out of town for something new.  I was thrilled with the idea of her having close to me.  I love my sister very much.
May 13th 2004 and it was Lance's birthday.  We were scheduled to go in for an ultrasound and then the birthday festivities were going to begin.  Well bad news, I was dialating to a 2 and almost 80% effaced. I was going into labor and I was only 5 months along.  I was admitted into the hospital that day.  So much for a birthday party ha? Lance was the greatest sport. To celebrate, my in-laws brang Taco Bell to our room that night and we visited. I was on strict bedrest. I had doctors and nurses everywhere trying to help us get settled in.  I was told I would have to stay in the hospital until I had the baby. I didn't want to be in there for 4 months because I knew I was going to carry our baby full term.  Well after 20 different doctors came to see me and tell me more bad news we decided that I would go home and leave it up to our baby when she would make her appearance.  It wasn't going to change the outcome because we were told we had a 50/50 chance of our daughter surviving.  Lance and I just wanted to get out of there and go home and leave it in the Lord's hands.
We were told that we would be back in over the weekend to deliever her because there was no way she was going to stay in there for much longer.  We were going to prove them wrong.
We called my family and my mom flew up the next day so she wouldn't miss being there for the birth of her first grandchild.
To make this amazing long story short, she flew in. I went home and lived on my living room couch.  Next week a man drives his car through our home (story for another day) and we are on every nightly news channel of what happened. Endless phone calls and visits from friends and family. Unbelievable is all I have to say.
I was on bedrest for another 3 months. We proved the medical proffesional wrong.  We did it! Our baby did it! It was a sad time but I am so glad that my mom and sister were living with us.  It was a guessing game as to when she would be born and my mom didn't want to miss it so she stayed until the baby came and it was 3 months. She lived with us in the dead of Arizona's hot summer and she did it! I know she missed home. She woud buy flower magaizines so she could see green, country sides and beautiful things.  Arizona has some beauty to  it but not much if you ask me. I am not a fan of the desert.
Lance's brother Lee had just gotten home from his mission.  This was towards the last of July.  The whole family was in town and we were tall together.  Lance's mom had rented out Stapley swimming pool for a family get together and to welcome Lee home.  I needed to get out of the house so we all decided to go. I was only about a month away from my actual due date and things were good.  So we went and had a great time.  We left around 10:30- 11 p.m. and I had a really strange feeling that something was happening. I don't remember feeling any pain. I just remember having the thought " Go to the hospital and get things checked out." So I told Lance.  My mom, sister, Lance and I were in the car and I told Lance and he didn't think we should since I wasn't in pain or my water hadn't broken.  So we had nothing to loose so we went.  They checked me out and I was dialated to 6 cm. and they told me I was in active labor. 
One the most amazing genes I got from my mother was her fast labors.  We were admitted into the hospital and when they were registering me in my water broke. I had tons of fluid. I soaked pretty much anyone who came near me. This was it! She was coming and I hadn't prepared myself at all.
The staff at Banner Baywood Hospital was the best.  They made us feel so comfortable.  I was not in any pain and I didn't want to be in case we had complications so they hooked me up to an epidural just in case.  The only thing that physically hurt during labor was my I.V..  I slept mostly that night.  I was told I was at a 10 around 5:30 that morning and I pushed once and she was here.  Now going into this we had prepared ourselves and the hospital staff as to what was going to happen if she did survive or if she didn't.  I was nervous, excited and sad. I imagined that she would come out completely whole and prove all the medical staff that the Lord is in control, but that is not always the case.
We agreed from the very beginning that if she needed to oxygen, feeding tubes and other machines to keep her alive, well that is not living, it is being kept alive by machine.  So we prayed and felt good that if that were the case we wouldn't intervine medically. But is she did come out breathing on her own and was going to survive we would see at that point what was to be done.
I won't go into much detail because it is all too personal but our baby was born at 5:39 a.m..  She was born without crying, opening her eyes or moving.  She was silent and still.  She didn't even open her eyes.  It was like giving birth to a baby that was fast asleep.  We were told that she had a very faint heart beat and that she wasn't going to make it.  If we wanted to call family and friends now would be the time for those we wanted to let come and see her.  My family had flown down from Idaho first thing that morning and they arrived later that afternoon. Lance's family came with all their little children to come and see her. We wanted everyone to have a chance. It was July 28th, 2004.
She was almost full term. One month short of a full term baby which is a miracel I carried her that long. My actual due date was August 28th.
But before all that happened. Our baby was born.  When she was born I just knew in my heart that it was not going to turn out how I am pictured it to be.  The doctor told us that she had little time left and all the doctors and nurses left us alone with our baby to grieve and say our goodbyes.
I remember them handing her to me.  She had the darkest hair I can remember.  She had tons of curly hair.  A curse from both her father and I.  She was so soft and so little.  She weighed 3 lbs 10 oz. and was 16 inches long.  She was heaven.  We had only 59 minutes with her but those 59 minutes were the most peaceful 59 minutes of my life.  She passed away very quitely and they declared her dead.
We had some genetic testing done on her and both Lance and I to see if this would be something that would happen again. Turns out it was a fluke and something that will never happen again. She was diagnosed with Wolfe Hischorn Syndrome.  It is so rare that most of our doctors had no idea what was involved. So we did a few studies of our own. Every child that has been born with this syndrome usually die after birth. The birthing experience is just to much for them to handle.  There is dwarfism, mental retardation and the mental capacity of a 3 year old.  Most of them never learn to talk, walk or breath on their own. Most are kept alive on feeding tubes and oxygen.  What kind of life would we have given our child had to chose to go that route?  There are also some very distinct facial features that go along with this syndrome.  The first time I looked it up on a website there was a picture of a little girl named Madeline too with this same rare syndrome.  Strange that we had the same name picked out.  Most doctors study these kinds of cases in medical school but seldom do they actually see these symptoms in real patients. The doctors askes us if they  might use Madalynn's body for further testing. We declined and told them all they could take was a small skin sample for the genetic testing to see if this was something that would happen again. They were understanding with us.
The hospital staff was amazing.  They allowed us to stay in the labor and delivery room with our baby for as long as we wanted.  We had a steady stream of visitors for  2 days so they allowed us a bigger room to accomadate all of them.
I am not sure if you have been around someone who has passed away for a length of time but the blood starts to set in and the skin becomes dark and cold. That is when we knew it was time to say our goodbyes and plan a funeral.  Before we left my grandmother ,who is extremely afraid of planes, flew up just to be there with me. I couldn't believe it. Another miracle. She brang a blessing  dress to bury her in. So before we left we prepared her body for burial.  We said our goodbyes and walked out the door with our baby in the arms of another woman rocking her. Words can't describe what that feels like.
They wheeled us out the back door of the hospital so I wouldn't have to sit with all the other mom's with their new babies waiting for their husbands to bring the car aruond so they could go home.  When Lance and I left the hospital we went straight to the funeral home to pick out a casket.
A lot of it is a blur.  I feel blessed that way.  I have felt numb to it all and I think that is Heavenly Father's way of helping me cope with her loss.
Madalynn Kay Snyder was buried in the Mesa City Cemetary right next to all the other little babies who have passed away in the Snyder/Ray Family. She is not alone.  There are a few other little companions there with her.
Now it is 6 years later.  I am not mad, nor am I sad anymore.  I feel blessed.  I have 3 boys who love me, who teach me about love and who constantly remind me of how lucky we are. One day we will see our baby and we will have the opportunity to raise her. That I know!
I have moved on. I feel sorry for those moms who have not done that yet.  What a great life I have.  I am happy and I am optomistic about our future and eternity.  We pray for her.  We share her story with our boys.  They already love her.  And I am sure they knew her even before we did.  Children are a heritage from the Lord.  Some are too pure to live here. I think Madaylnn was that.