Just my thoughts

It is 8:44 p.m. and it is completely silent in my home.  All my boys are asleep and I am the only one here.  Lance is still at mutual and it is so nice to listen to myself think.  It has been way too long since I have had a moment like this to myself.  I am enjoying it.
I can smell Lavender oil on my hands.  For the past few night I have been massaging my boys feet with it before they go to bed.  It has been quite the calming experience for them and for me as well.  I have loved doing that for them.  Andrew especially. He had never really let me do that for him but now he loves it and requests it each night.  I love that sweet boy of mine.  They are all sweet, don't get me wrong.
I am sitting here at my computer desk and just trying to unload the day.  It has been busy.  It has been slow.  I am not sure what one I like best.
On my computer screen this evening I saw a picture of Mary and the baby Jesus.  I was almost brought to tears at the sight of how beautiful the picture was.  She is holding the Christ and looking over her shoulder starring as if she were looking straight at me.  I just sat there and pondered her and what she must have felt knowing that she would give birth to the Savior of the World.  I am sure she felt every emotion known to man. She was human.  Riding on a donkey and being rejected at every door.  No one understood just how important the birth of this babe would be to the world. To them!  He would come to this world to save them. Save us!  Save me!  How humbling it has been to read about his birth.  Born under humble circumstances in a manger filled with hay.  Looking back almost 4 years ago when I was close to giving birth to my second son Andrew.  I was due the day after Christmas.  I was very uncomfortable, large and just anxious to welcome this little one into the world.  I was scheduled to be induced on the 22nd because we didnt' want to be in the hospital on Christmas day.  How easy was it for me to get up from my warm comfortable bed, get in my car (not on a donkey) and drive to a hospital who saved a room for me and have my baby.  I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to give birth in a barn.   I am humbled at the thought of His birth.  I still am!

Other things that are going through my mind can't seem to find their way out onto the computer screen.  One thing I have been praying for lately is a better understanding as to why we have our trials.  Why are we born with them? I think I know the answer but I really want to know and feel why.  I have someone who is very close to me going through a very tough trial.  Did this person agree to these trials before they came to earth? I was reading my Patriarchal blessing this morning and I forgot about the part that told me I knew before what life would be like. I came to this life on my choice.  Really?  I shouldn't really say that because I have a good life. I  have a wonderful husband and sweet children, but really? I chose some of the things I have had to go through?  One of the greatest blessings in my life was serving a mission.  It taught me about me.  Who I am and what the Savior thinks of me.  That was life changing for me.  Many times I loose sight and fall off track but there are things that remind me to get back on and keep fighting.  So that is what I simply must do each and every day.
I has been really tough for me to sit and visit with this person who is struggling so much.  To hear them and what is happening makes me sad inside.  I just wish I could share some of the goodness and some of that Godly love that I feel and replace all the hurt, blame and shame with this sweet feeling.  It feels really good. Why do some refuse to allow it to take seed?  If it feels so good, why wouldn't you want it all of the time?  I guess I have never really had a huge struggle that has made me question my faith, nor God.  I just do what I know to be true, and that is to love God and keep His commandments. 
I know that God lives! Clear as day! I know that just as I know that the sun will rise tomorrow. It is one that thing that will never change.   I hope that sun will rise on a better day for you.  I hope you know that you are loved! 
One other thought that has been creeping in now and then is that of our first child Madalynn.  I have wondered if I did it all right.  Did I do what I wanted to do? Did I say all the things I wanted to say to her? Did she hear me?  Could she feel our tears that hit her face so many times? Did she hear the sweet laughter that filled that hospital room from all her many loved ones who came to see her? I hope she knows that was one of the hardest, most sweetest moments of my life.  I hope she knows how much I reflect on the moment she was born.  When I get mad, sad, angry or frustrated and I need something to just help me calm down I go back to that moment.  It has seemed to help me.  There used to be feelings of anger towards her and towards Heavenly Father for givng me that hurt, but now that I have put that hurt past me there is nothing but a sweet serenity that feels me and I feel at peace.  I am thankful, no, I am grateful for that hurt that I felt.  It made me stronger.  It made me become the person I am today.  I hope she knows I love her. That we love her.  I think about her quite often and marvel at the amazing role that she must play in all of this.  Someday I will be worthy to hold her and raise her. I am still working on that.  I WILL get there!

Merry Christmas to all of you!  I am sorry if we didn't get Christmas cards out to everyone.  We cannot begin to express the love we have felt this year from so many of you.  We thank you!  We love you!  May the Lord watch over and bless you! Good night!