Madalynn Kay

July 28th would have been Madalynn's 4th birthday. I have often thought about how different my life would have been had she survived. Madalynn was a difficult pregnancy for me. I remember April 5th was our first ultrasound. Lance and I were so excited and just filled with anticipation, wondering if we were having a boy or a girl. We both arrived and Lance was all smiles from ear to ear. I remember every thing specifically about that day. I remember the smell of the office, the look on the doctor's face when he told us the news and more than ever the thousands of tears I cried that day and every day after that.
I was admitted into the hospital on May 13th, Lance's birthday for pre-term labor. I was in the hospital for a week when the doctor's finally told me that whether I stayed or went home the outcome wouldn't change the fact that our child had a 50/50 chance of survival. So we made the decision to get out as fast as we could. The doctors said that I would be back within a week to deliver her because I was so close to having her. So my mom stayed with us until she would be born. Three months of being on bedrest and still pregnant the doctors were amazed that I carried her that long.
Lance's brother Lee came home from his mission on a Tuesday. I had made the decision to live my life and get off the couch and leave it in the Lord's hands. So we headed to the airport to see him. It felt so good to be out and with others and take my mind of my frustrations. That Thursday my mother-in-law had reserved the Stapley swimming pool for a welcome home party for Lee. Again I went with my famiy to have a good time. I mostly layed on the lawn chairs that were there and my mom visited with me. We left about 10:30 that night and I remember feeling strange. I wasn't in any pain just felt something different. On the way home I told Lance that we better stop by the hospital to have it all checked out. Maybe I was just excited at fact that I was close to having this baby. So we went in and sure enough I was in the middle of intense labor. The only pain I felt during her birth was the I.V.. I think Heavenly Father blessed me with as little physical pain as possible because the emotional woudl be too great. About 5 hours later Madalynn Kay Snyder was born. She was so peaceful. She never opened her eyes, and never cried. She was born as if she were in a deep sleep. She had a very faint heartbeat. I remember when they handed her to me and told me that we probably had a few minutes to be with her before she would pass away. I won't go into detail about that because I hold that very sacred. But she was the softest, most beautiful angel I had ever seen. I still remember the way she smelled. It was the sweetest smell.I can't describe it. All the doctors, nurses and medical staff left the room so we could have our time with her. She lived for about 56 minutes and then she quitely passed away.
The next two days we were able to stay in the hospital and have friends and family come and see her. The day we left the hospital we dressed her in her burial clothing my grandma so kindly got for us. I am not sure if most people think about those mothers who have to leave the hospital empty handed. All that work with nothing to show for when you leave the hospital doors. I was wheeled out the back entrance so I would not have to wait in the lobby with all the other moms waiting patiently for their husbands to drive the car around and load up their new little one.
As soon as we left the hospital we went to the Funeral home to make arrangements and pick out the casket. I don't know if anyone has had the chance to go and pick out a coffin but picking out one for a little baby is quite the humbling experience. We found one and the next day we laid her to rest in the Mesa City Cemetary next to all the other little ones who have passed away on Lance's side of the family. There under an orange tree are 6 babies laid to rest. It was the perfect place.
Now every year on July 28th I think about her and what my life would have been like. I have been blessed by a Heavenly Father who knew my needs and the needs of my family. Someone once told me that "there are things worse than death." I have come to accept this and believe it. She is in a much better place than I could have provided for her here.
So we just work hard every day as a family to make it back to her. She is waiting for us. Sometimes I pull all of her things out to look at them and think about her. People ask me if I still cry for her. My answer is yes and no. Yes for the fact that something will trigger a memory or an emotion and no because I know she is where God wants her. I just know there is someone up there who will rock her and sing to her. Until then I just dream and wait.