I KNOW how to fly. I used to fly fly fly all the time both day and night. I don't need anyone else to show me how to fly or how to find my wings....I have them....they are just broken right now..... that's all.
Lately I have been experiencing the "refiner's fire" so to speak. When scripture study gets behind and personal prayer seems to slip away, that is when I began to slip and fall away.It is a falling away from that connection that makes you feel loved and cared for. Someone to tell me that its ok to fall, all you need to is pick yourself up again and try harder.
Mind you, I haven't fallen away from the church or any of its teachings, it is more like a personal balance in my life. I have felt distant from the spirit and I often times find myself really really cranky with my children and my husband. Why is that? I have neglected the most important things in my life.....my wings have been clipped and I can't fly.
Last night was hard for me. My oldest son just won't sleep. It has been a struggle for me to find ways for him to fall asleep and stay asleep. He used to sleep so well and through the entire night. Last night he was up 2 hours after he had finally fallen asleep and then he came into our room and was just up all the time. I was very very frustrated. I laid in bed crying and pleading with Heavenly Father to let him sleep and to let me sleep. I have not slept well for a long time. It has been almost a year since I have had a full nights rest. I know it is expected when you have children but I need this for me. I don't do well if I don't get sleep. No one should. So last night I laid wide awake until 3 a.m. just praying. I have only done that once before in my life and that was my first night on my mission.
I have been very teary eyed today. I can't seem to hold them back. We went to the grocery store and I just felt like hiding behind the racks so no one would see me. I locked myself in the bathroom so no one would see or hear me. Maybe this is all because I am 7 months pregnant and I am starting to feel overwhelmed with the responsiblity of three children, I don't know. All I know is this, I am tring to mend my wings so that I can fly again. I need to fly again. I will fly again....but it will take some time and when I do, I won't stop.
5 comments:
Oh Melissa, I don't have the responsibility of three children but I know the feelings that you are having. I too haven't had a good night's rest in over a year and many MANY nights I have laid awake in bed, crying and pleading with Heavenly Father to help Bree sleep and help me sleep. And everything else seemed to fall apart during the day because I was so tired and I just wanted to rest... I was starting to truly fear that I would never want to have a second child, which just broke my heart. My sweet mother finally told me that perhaps I needed to find something else to ask the Lord for, because obviously he didn't want Bree to sleep through the night at the time. I started to pray that I would have the strength and patience to outlast Bree and that I would make it through this difficult time. Nothing. I didn't feel anything. And I just felt like I was falling more and more. And finally, when I was starting to truly give up hope, the answer to my prayer came. Bree didn't sleep any better, I didn't have any more patience, but the Lord gave me exactly what I needed to help me find peace again. He gave me my wings back and I can fly! I wish I could tell you things to do to help with Keaton or how to feel better, but I can't. I can only tell you that your wings will heal. You are an amazing mother that I take so much strength from. And every day you will somehow find the strength to soldier on. Your peace may not come when or how you were expecting (mine sure didn't) but it will come. Hang in there! We so love you!
I hope you are having a better day. Melissa, I would love to take your kids for the day so that you can have an entire afternoon to yourself. Just let me know! I love you!
Oh Mel, I sure love ya and I miss you! I'm sorry that you're having a hard time, but I don't doubt what a wonderful mother you are and how much you love your little guys. I've been feeling similar to what you described, I suppose it's all part of the journey, just know you're not alone in feeling this way and it will pass. Love you!
Oh I can't imagine being prego with two kids. No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed! You have every right to feel that way! I wish I could help you out! Sunshine is just around the corner...love ya!
Mel,
I needed this post, I mean I really needed your hope and words. I too sit in bed at night and pray, and plead for Heavenly Father to mend my broken wings, they have been damaged for so long now! When does it get better, it has to right? I have been extremely overwhelmed lately with work, friends, church you name it. As I was looking at the picture of Keaton dressed in the Armor of God, tears filled my eyes as I thought of how precious your little boy Keaton is to me. There have been days when I just want to give up and I see a picture of Keaton, or Andrew, or Ava and my heart just melts. I am so thankful you have the two most precious boys, seriously they are my angels. I love you and I pray for you. You are an amazing sister of faith and hope. I love you!!!!
Post a Comment