March 7, 2015

MRI

Thursday night we had the MRI. I had to have a prescription for claustrophobia. I just hate being confined to small areas. So I took the pill on the way to the hospital. Lance and I headed up to the hospital at 4 so we could be ready for the MRI at 5:30 p.m. They gave me some lovely scrubs to wear. When they came in to get me they told Lance he had to stay behind. No one can be in the room while the MRI is taking place. So all he could do was wait as well.
I have never been so nervous in all my life. I was hoping for the meds to kick in. Maybe they already had. I was told to lay face down on a bed with my chest facing towards the ground. They said that the MRI would take roughly 30 minutes and I was to hold really still or they would have to redo it. They so generously gave me some headphones with Pandora on them to block out the jack hammering sound that I would hear. 
They gave me a little button to hold in case of emergency I could squeeze it and I could be pulled out. So I laid down face down and they pushed me into the machine. I was face down so I don't know exactly how close I was but I felt the top of the machine or tunnel touch the top of my head. So it was pretty tight quarters. I was really feeling stuffy. I was scared and I was tired. The machine started and Josh Groban came on the headphones. I love Josh Groban. Then all of a sudden the jack hammering started. They weren't kidding when they said it was loud. It frightened me. I was crying. I wanted out. But I knew that if I didn't do it this time there would have to be another time. 
Let me step back here and explain something about our life. Since all my children were babies we have used noise makers. Noise makers are amazing with children and also with moms of young kids. So this felt kind of like that. It kind of put me to sleep off and one. The hammering would go on for a few minutes and then it would stop. I cried. The tears were itching my nose and I couldn't wipe it. I had to lay there and I had to find other things to take my mind off of that. So I prayed. I cried loud and I prayed loud. The machine was so loud anyways, how could anyone hear me? I couldn't even hear myself.
That was the longest prayer I have ever given in my entire life. I threw it all at him and was angry. I was sad. I felt betrayed almost. I just cried. I was confined and couldn't move and I cried. I was scared. I was really scared and there wasn't anything I could do about it.
So after what felt like an eternity the machine stops and they pull me out. The gal asked me if I was alright. She said I looked pale and sick. I was okay. Believe it or not I felt okay. I felt okay. For the first time in a very long time I felt like my heart felt prayer was heard. He wanted me to feel that. To know that and everything was going to be okay. Not to be afraid.
We headed on down to the blood lab for some blood tests. That was easy. Afterwards we held hands and walked out to the car. Stuffed our faces with Arbys and went home to our children. I just knew that the MRI was going to come back fine.
Well the next morning came and we received the call. I was by myself. Lance was outside working on a house or with a client and I was alone. Dr. Anthes was on the phone again. She had read the MRI results and she said that the cancer spot on my right side had grown a little larger and the left side was showing a non suspicious area of enhancement. What the heck does that mean? So she said because I have cancer on the right side we have to rule out if it is cancer on the left side or not. So what does that mean? Another biopsy is on its way. This Thursday at 7 am we are suppose to be up at the hospital for a MRI guided biopsy of the left breast. Again more bad news. Maybe. Just wait some more. More waiting. Can I just tell you that this is the worst part of it all. The role playing of what it could entail and all the horrible thoughts, sad thoughts, angry thoughts that go through your mind is torturous. So until then we try to act like nothing. We try to live a normal life. But what is normal anymore? I find myself praying like crazy to Heavenly Father to just wake me up from this terrible dream I am having. I just want my life back. I want it to go back to the way things were. Life had no worries. No real stress. Not compared to this.
I am tired. We are studying everyday to find the right kind of treatment for me. Chemo scares me to death. The poison they put into your body to kill the other poison. We are exploring all options right now. 

2 comments:

stephanie said...

Melissa your voice is so clear in your words I was in that tunnel with you and felt the relief when that MRI was finished!!

Unknown said...

I have had a couple friends with breast cancer now one went through the Gerson treatment if this is something you want to know more about she is super knowledgeable and I know what talk to you in a heartbeat. let me know. You got this!!! my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!