April 26, 2015


I am out and about more. Every time someone I know see's me they will something like "Wow, what are you doing here?" or " Wow, are you suppose to be up and moving?" I guess no one really understands that it really ins't very complicated and terrible surgery. Yes, it was uncomfortable but it was doable. It was only about a 2-3 week down period and now that I feel better I can use my arm more and I am driving around and I am starting to feel like me again.
But that is the just the thing, I don't want to feel like the old me again. She was tired, frustrated, impatient with her children and loved ones. When something as big as this happens, I want to feel changed. I feel it inside but I am trying to figure out how to change on the outside. Does it happen with some dramatic hair cut? I have contemplated that and I am not sure Lance would be on board with that.
My children are constantly fighting with each other. It drives me literally to the point where I start yelling and it just makes everything so tense. How do you change that? I have been doing more meditating and scripture reading and other things to help me cool down. Someone once suggested yoga to me and I need to look into that. I need to make changes because this experience changed me, it changed our family and yet here we are still the same.

Last Thursday we met with Dr. Wigod the breast reconstruction doctor. Lance and I both went in with positive thinking and just upbeat about the whole thing. First of all they had us watch this video about breast reconstruction. Lance and I laughed the whole thing through. Growing up and in the church you always are taught about pornography and how we shouldn't watch such things. Well this video felt like it. It was a video on breast cancer and breast reconstruction. Felt funny and felt surreal all at the same time. So we just laughed which seems to be a constant theme to our lives.
The gal, I guess you could call her a nurse came in and asked us questions, went over all the different reconstruction options and what they look like and how long of a period it would take. She told me that Dr. Wigod likes before and after pictures of all patients and so I was taken to a little photo studio to take pictures. Awkward!!!!
Then Dr, Wigod walked in. He was not professional in anyway. Very smart probably in what he does but no bed side manners whatsoever. He didn't even shake hands with Lance. That was a huge red flag for us. He sat down in front of me and flat out told us that we needed to have the mastectomy done on the left side before we even talked about reconstruction. I am a good candidate for implants and that is the route he would go. So about 5-6 months of surgeries and procedures all to get the chest of a lifetime.
As I sat there all I could think about was more surgeries, more pain, more being uncomfortable and more down time away from my kids. Our talk with him was short and to the point and that was it. Lance and I looked at each other not impressed. So as soon as we left we started doing our own research on reconstruction doctors. We have set up an appointment with another doctor but that is not until the end of June.
So maybe for now we get back in touch with Dr. Szentes and schedule the other mastectomy. YIKES!!!! The thought of having to do that all over again just doesn't appeal to me but neither did doing it the first time. I knew is was what we had to do and I know this is what I need to do but doesn't make it any easier. Lance tells me that I need affirmations to recite to myself each day.  Something like I accept myself. I accept that this will happen and I can be happy. Sounds kinds silly to me but as I have read book of those who have made lots of money and  fame they all credit their affirmations they recited daily. Probably a lot to it.
Today is Sunday. I am sitting in my sunny office and hearing the sound of kids screaming in the back ground. Some happy and some sad. When will they get along and love each other? I hope someday they will realize just how lucky they are to have siblings and a loving home.
Time to get lunch ready and kids dressed for church. Here we go.......

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