Change

I am sitting here in a quite home. It is 10:24 a.m. and my husband and children are at church.  It is just me and my baby.  She is quietly sleeping in the front room.  I am sitting in the office and I can hear her breathing.  It is one of the sweetest sounds.
It is the getting up mulitple times in the night because she needs me. She is hungry and when she is done feeding I just put her on my shoulder to burp her. It is her small, gentle breath on my neck that makes it so sweet.  Her little sounds, wimpers, giggles and cries that make me love this face so much.
It is my body changing. When I was in labor with Ellie, I had never felt that kind of pain in my entire life.  It was pain that was real and intense.  My body was tired and under a lot of stress. Then she came and it all dissappeared. She was completely worth all of it.  Every second.
  I love the peace that has filled this house since she was born.  There is a quiet reverance that comes with a new baby.  It is times like this when I am reassured that I am doing something good.  People ask me why I have 4 children.  Most of the time I don't have an answer, but I do know that I love them!! I love each of them for who they are. 
I feel like I have changed.  Most of the time it has been a positive thing and at other times I feel like I am losing my patience more often.  Seven years ago I lost the one thing I wanted most. That was a baby.  She was what we had been waiting and praying for.  Then she was gone.  I changed.  Lance changed.  Seems liek everything and everyone changed around me.  All around me I was reminded of the one thing I lost.  Now seven years later, I feel like it has all come back to me.  Don't get me wrong, I have loved each and every one of my boys.  They have been huge blessings and I am so thankful for them.  When we got the news that we were expecting a girl,  I felt like I was being given back what I lost all those years ago.  Now that I have her, I hold on to her tight.  She is mine!  All mine! 
Last night I read a dear friends blog.  My good friend was told the news several months ago that she was expecting twins.  What a huge surprise! What a wonderful surprise.  Well last night I was reading that she lost one of those twins.  They had just found out that they were both girls too.   Since the baby has passed on there is nothing they can do about it until she delivers the other baby.  So now she must carry a baby who has since passed away while the other continues to live.  I couldn't help but think about my own.  She still has the one and that is a miracle.  I know how she feels.  I have felt all those emotions.  I have felt all the pain, the anger and hurt.  I think of this friend often and I hope she knows when she reads this that I love her!

Change is good. Change is hard. Change is different.  Change is needed. Change moves us to become better. I feel like I am becoming all of these things slowly but surely.  I only hope that I am worthy of all these sweet children.