March 22, 2015

Morning will come

This past weekend I was able to fly down to Provo and spend the weekend with my sisters-in-law for a women's conference held every year. Now picture in your mind a really large group of amazing women who gather together and share everything they know in life. They are truly amazing. All of these women belong to the same family. My family. The family I was privileged to marry into. I love them all and I can honestly say that.
I flew in early Friday morning. On my flight from Denver to Salt Lake I sat next to a women with a small baby. I knew it was the seat for me. So I squeezed in. We had the most pleasant conversation. Her name was Ashlee and she is a member of the church as well. Serving as Relief Society President. Mind you she was only 32 years old. A young beautiful mom of 4 children. I really enjoyed that conversation. We talked the entire flight. Somehow the conversation got on to Breast Cancer. I had no plans to even talk about it on this trip. I was going to leave it all behind and just enjoy the weekend. But I think it was inspired. She had a friend who was a breast cancer survivor. She is alive and free of it. I needed to hear reassurance of something that has been so deadly to women around the world. I feel it though. Something inside me just whispers that it will all be okay in the end. No matter what that end will be it will be okay. I really enjoyed that flight and I made such a great new friend. I wish her all the best.
Well my father-in-law picked me up from the airport. We had the most pleasant conversation on the way to Provo. Shared some tears and words of encouragement. It is going to be okay! I keep telling myself that. It is going to be okay!!!! It has to right?
We arrived at the church and there they all were. This was my family! These people who have been praying for me. Fasting on my behalf. I felt this huge swelling in my heart of deep gratitude that I made it. For the next two days we sat for 5-6 hours listening to all different amazing people on various topics.
Grandpa Ray was there. How sweet it was to be with him. Now mind you this man is still going strong, but not as strong as he used to be. He is 94 years old and he was there smiling and just happy as can be. I don't believe I have ever seen that man mad. He hugged me and told me I was loved. I felt loved. It's been almost two years since Grandma Ray passed away. She was greatly missed but I know she among so many others who have passed on were there in spirit with us.
Saturday night after the conference was out all the girls and dad included  went out to eat at the Old Spaghetti Factory. It was my first time there and I loved it! It even had gluten free food. Another bonus! We spent the rest of the evening shopping and just being together. I loved every minute of it. I knew that come 8 oclock I would have to say goodbye to all of them. Shauna was sweet to drop me off at the airport on her way back to Bountiful. We had the nicest visit. I love all my sisters-in-law. They are all amazing women who inspire me daily. I love the one on one time I get with them. I got to have that evening with just her. I loved it!!! Thanks Shauna!
Thank you to everyone who made the weekend just absolutely wonderful!!!
While I was there I stayed with Sharlene. They have a basement that was available. I went to bed around 10. I had the whole downstairs to myself. I felt kind of lonely but I found comfort in it also. I feel like I need to share an experience I had. I was ready for bed. I was trying to go to sleep and I couldn't. I was trying to figure out why. Maybe it was because I was missing Lance or my kids or maybe because I was so tired I had a hard time calming down. I remembered that I had forgotten to say my prayers. So I knelt down. I just cried. I laid it all to Him above once again. "I hate cancer!" I told him that. I told that to Him several times. After a good cry then I quietly got back into bed. I was wide awake. My thoughts drifted to Madalynn. I thought about her a lot. The way she felt, the way she smelled. The promise that was made that morning will come and we would see her again. I found comfort in that. Wondering if she was aware of me and what I was feeling. I laid there and closed my eyes. Morning will come. I am sure of it. A new day where we will be free from fear, fear of the unknown and free from all pain. I don't feel physical pain. In fact this is the best I have felt for a really long time. For the first time in my life I feel great. There is another aspect of pain. Emotional pain. This dark cloud that I have prayed so hard to be taken away is still there.
There was a story told this weekend of a man who has been suffering from cancer in his jaw. He has been in a lot of pain. He had a dream that he was in a huge room with lots of people who were suffering from pain. The door opened and in walked the Savior. This man was aware of him. He said he couldn't describe Him. Only that it was love. The Savior went to some and commanded that they be healed and they were. Some of them were not. When it came time for his turn, he pleaded with the Lord to be healed. He had faith to be healed and was sure the Savior would. Then he said the Savior told him that it would be too unkind of him to heal him. What does that mean? Why would that be unkind of the Savior? Maybe He loves me so much that He has given this to me.
I have the faith to be healed. I have the faith that the Savior can take this from me. From us.
My mother-in-law reminded me that when Lance and I were engaged we went to the movie theater to see Charly. Why we went to this movie I still have no idea. But we went and hated it. She reminded me that Lance was troubled by that movie. He prayed that that would never be us. Now here we are young with a family and with breast cancer.
Surgery is scheduled for April 6th. A single Mastectomy is scheduled and they will test my lymph nodes to see if it has spread. Until then we really won't know. So we just cross our fingers and toes and everything else that crosses that it will be good news. We have had small miracles along the way. Praying that they will continue to come. I know the Lord knows me. I know I have the faith to be healed. I know that morning will come and it will be glorious.

1 comment:

Durgin Family said...

I have so much love and respect for you and Lance. You both are my heroes! I know there is that dark cloud looming always over you, but I know that you can see a ray of sunshine every single day, more than once a day if you just look for it! There is nothing more beautiful than the sun that break through a dark blanket over the sky. It always makes me wonder if the angels are coming, if the angels are there. Love and Prayers for you Melissa!