The more I have time to think the crazier I become. My goal is to keep busy. Hard to do sometimes. Many times actually. Just trying to find enough things to keep me occupied is the goal for this week. This week should be pretty close to normal. No appointments are scheduled. We are just waiting to see what the gene test results are. This will be a big decision maker for us. So until then we just sit tight. Hard to do. All of this started only about 3 weeks ago. This has been the longest 3 weeks of my entire life. I feel like I have aged 10 years since then.
This morning my alarm clock rang at 6:30. Time to get up and go to the gym. I lay in bed wondering if that is what I really feel like doing. I know I gotta get up and get going. This is what I have been doing for the past 9 months. But this morning I have to fight myself to get up. But I do it anyways. I made it to the gym and I am so glad I did. Getting a good workout is what I like best in the morning. It starts my day off right. Everyone knows when I don't make it to the gym. Those days kind of stand out.
So far I still feel normal. I don't hurt. I don't have any aches or pains. I feel good. I know this will change in the next little while. I am scared. I am terrified of what this is going to do to me. What will I look like? Who am I going to become? A monster? Every time I look at the pictures of women who have had similar experiences to what I will do, it terrifies me and I have to turn it off. I am trying to prepare myself mentally but I am not even sure that is possible until we are in the thick of things.
We still have no idea if it has spread. We will know once I am under the knife and Dr. Szentes can test the lymph nodes. My fingers and toes are crossed that those will be free and clear. And if they are, well we will cross that road when we get there. If we get there!
Yesterday was my father's birthday. He turned 61. That feels old but he doesn't look it. We had a family dinner at my parents last night. My niece Ava had a birthday as well so we celebrated them together. That is what we do in our family. We celebrate it on that Sunday so everyone can be there. As we were sitting around the table we started talking and people started asking about appointments we had this week.
This week we have no appointments. I want to feel normal. Have a normal week with my children. This weekend I will fly to Utah on Friday to spend the weekend with my in-laws for a sisters weekend. I am really looking forward to that. Something fun to do before crazy starts.
So the more I think about it, the more I just want to have a normal week. So that is what we are going to do. It is already filled with baseball practice. Soccer practice. Piano lessons, scouts, mutual and all the other things we do as a family. It's going to be a good week.